cosmic_ikahana

Man, I don't know if relationships are natural. I've been in them almost all of my adult life. Certainly I'm drawn to them in some way. But I don't know that they are the way we are supposed to live.

I'm trying to stay focused on life, but the day to day stuff is exhausting enough. Get up, shower, get to work, work, get home, take care of the animals, do dishes, laundry, eat, get ready for bed. Where is the time to draw and write? How do I get my act together to go out and try to get some Open Mics? What happens to sad, old dogs who are left alone?

I am still certain that 2012 is going to be the year of BIG and POSITIVE changes. I think there will be a few unexpected surprises in there too. But I just want to get this whole time thing figured out. Get time back. My time.

Hey Live Journal People! I'm back! I guess if you are reading this you figured that out. Sorry for stating the obvious. I'm good at that.

Life is crazy, but for the most part good. Had a little surgery to wrap up the year - nothing serious, just another hernia dealio. Kept me indoors in a recliner with vicodin and time to think way too much. Pretty much healed up now. I think I have another couple of weeks before I can lift more than 10 pounds, so I'm looking for a muscular, dark-haired, tattooed, barely dressed "helper" to help out. ;-)

I'm busting ass trying to get the comedy thing off the ground. Got a gig opening at the Morning Glory Drag Queen Brunch at the Skylark Cafe in West Seattle. Did a show a couple of days ago and we sold the place OUT! I've been invited back for next month's brunch - so tell everyone you've ever met that Saturday, February 11th at noon they need to be at the Skylark to see Jeffrey Robert and some beautiful Queens entertain you during your pancake time.

Here is the show - PLEASE share and share and share with anyone who might be interested.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9t7w4gJUe0&feature=related

And I'm available for more work!

Trying to get the writing and artwork off the ground too. This is going to be MY YEAR! I've already made that decision. Just turned 53 and I'm not going to wait for folks to come knock on my door because that just wasn't working out. I'm done waiting for the perfect moment to getting the comedy/writing/art career going. Perfect moment is NOW! I am starting to sound like Oprah, so I should end now before I start giving away cars.

I've been busy. Some of you have heard me mention some of these things elsewhere, so apologies for being redundant. And repeating myself. And saying the same thing twice.

I signed up to take a Stand-Up Comedy class. It is a one week deal taught through the local Experimental College. I've fantasized about doing something like this for decades - just never had the actual nerve to try it. Well, I did. Took the class and a lot of Ativan that week. I've had to do a lot of speaking in front of decent sized groups for some time now, and I rarely get nervous. For some reason, this took me way back to my ultra-anxiety ridden days of being in the front of a room full of people - High School and college days. But I did it. And it was AMAZING. The last class is actually a performance that is put on in one of the local comedy clubs. We sold the place out. I went on last. Easily one of the best HIGHS of my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wGhepDZxYE

We were told that if we were to continue on after the class, and I wasn't sure if I wanted it to be a one shot or possibly do more, that we would be looking at struggling to get unpaid three minute open mic gigs, that we would be driving three and four hours to find places to perform. That after years of polishing up our stuff, we might land a 15 minute spot in a club that pays fifty bucks. It was a tad soul crushing.

As it turns out, there is a local monthly Drag Queen Brunch held at a restaurant/club a mile down the street from where we live. We went to it the other morning. Long story shortish, I'll be doing a ten minute opening at it starting in January! It will be a small audience - much smaller than the one above. BUT, I get to continue on with the dream. I'm prepared, I think, to bomb. We were told over and over and over again that bombing is just a part of doing Stand-Up. I'll report back when that happens.

I have also been giving Spanish another go. After a lifetime of trying to learn it, and a period in my life where I sort of kind of spoke it, I am back to learning the basics. It is harder than ever, but I've never wanted to learn it more. I have a tutor (from Peru), Rosetta Stone, and a ton of books (my first partner whom I was with for nine years, until his death, was Spanish speaking and taught the language in High School). As it turns out, we are going to be GRANDPARENTS in March! And our grandson - we already know - will be bilingual as is his Mom. Her family is from Mexico.

Our son just signed up to be part of the EOD (Explosive Ordnance Disposal) for the Army Reserves. Terrifying for us, and never in a million years what I thought a son of ours would end up doing, but we are proud of him and think this will be a life-changing experience. It will also get him tons of BadAss Cred from his peers.

Bought a Santa suit too. Thought about renting myself out on craigslist. As it turns out, I'm scheduled for surgery (hernia - second time) on the 22nd, so that will cut right into the PRIME Santa weekend. Oh well. I still plan on participating in Santarchy next weekend - putting on the suit and hitting the bars. Might not help with our endless bills as was the original intent behind getting the suit, but might get a few lap dances from the boys.

Don't give up on me yet - I'll be returning here ASAP. Like, really soon. Life just got distracting.

Until then, a cute picture of Kerouac - our newest family member.



See you real soon!

I've been feeling like I'm barely hanging on. Lots of dramas, changes, stuff - but beyond that is just this feeling of not connecting to the world. Might be my way of checking out when things get crazy, might be age, probably due to cutting back on certain medications, certainly my physical health hasn't helped.

Nothing exciting about listening to a poor me, whining son of a bitch. Can't stand the creatures myself. Don't want to be one.

I'm not all of the time. I've done some creative, fun life affirming things. Been sticking with voice lessons and doing some planning for a few things in the future.

But I'm just exhausted, really. My head hits the pillow and I feel like I'm floating in the universe - alone, confused.

I'll cheer up a bit and get back to life. Not many choices. Don't believe in an afterlife so I'm not going to cash in just yet. But I need to get a grip.

What is something you would never want to change about yourself?

In spite of the fact that I have a list as long as Chile of things I would love to change about myself, it is good to shift the perspective and think of things I like about myself. In fact, just this morning I was lamenting a certain lack of acknowledgment from others about some of my more interesting and unique characteristics. It should be noted that needing acknowledgment from others is something I see as a human trait - not just a quirk of mine, but I wouldn't mind taking it down a notch or two.

I wouldn't want to change the color of my eyes. Physically speaking, it is about the only feature of mine that I'm at peace with. Always wanted to be shorter, to have rich, black hair, to have one of those muscular gymnast bodies and porn star features, and to have perfect teeth and a square nose. Someone didn't read my order form. But my eyes - well, I like having blue eyes and getting compliments on them. I'm okay with having gone bald. I wish I hadn't, but I don't like to fuss in the bathroom (bathrooms are for reading and long baths PERIOD), and I'm glad I just shave the head now and then and don't have to add "product" (a modern word I despise) and comb and curl and wave or whatever one does.

I think I'm pretty damn interesting. In fact, I'm one of the most interesting folks I know. I have a truly wide variety of interests, tastes, moods, and experiences. I like trash TV, Italian neorealism, trees, cactus, nachos, sushi, 70's porn, opera, jazz, blues, tamales, Mexico, hiking, birds, dogs, chickens, coyotes, wolves, experimental music and film and art, Picasso, old advertisements, Boston, Miami, Tucson, gnomes, caves, Bessie Smith, John Cage, history, Scrabble, Jean Genet, politics, socialism, museum cafes, coffee culture, food culture, wrestling, boxing, low riders, documentaries, folk festivals, noises, psychedelic music and art, and about six billion other things that immediately flood my mind. I try NOT to describe myself via what I "don't like" or "am not a fan" of, and I try to say "I guess I haven't given it enough of a try" or "tell me why you find that interesting" or "I'd be opening to experiencing it" more than I say "that isn't my scene" (celery and sex with children and animals being a couple of the exceptions to this).

Yet, still, I'm opinionated and I like that about myself as well. I hope it never comes from just being dismissive but comes from experience and deep thought. I think it does. I like that I have opinions.

I like that I value kindness above money and that I enjoy being around kids and not just adults and that I love animals (yet I'm okay with eating them). I like that I have experienced the gay culture of the 70's and the Seattle culture of the early 90's and that childhood I had in the 60's when things seemed so much simpler and safer and easy. I like that I had a family that exposed me to nature and animals, I liked that I grew up with pets and camping trips.

I like my almost encyclopedic knowledge of music and films, as rusty as it is getting.

I LOVE being gay - love it. Some folks hate it and I feel sorry for them. I wish I was a better artist and I wish I did it more and I wish I made a living at it, but I love that I am one, that I am a creative person and think in creative ways. I love my job and my husband, and son, and nephews and feel very fortunate that they are in my life (most of the time). I like that I love to be alone. I love that I connect with our dogs that I worship.

I think I'm an okay guy. I just wish I had that porn star body, but then I'd be so busy I wouldn't have time to read.

After taking a year off for only the 2nd time since 1977, I was excited about Pride again. Like everything in my life these days, the build-up is pretty relaxed and easy, but we did manage to watch an excellent documentary, Stonewall Uprising, from the PBS American Experience site the night before, and I put a few gay themed books on reserve at the library. We had a Pride Potluck at work - the Queers of the bunch brought in rainbow colored foods to share with everyone. That means a lot of sugar. I shouldn't have sugar.

The Parade was disappointing. It made me feel old and fussy and sad. I miss the politics, I miss the celebration in the air, I miss the anger and I miss the sexual energy. I also miss my friends. I didn't purposefully exit Le Gay Community, I guess I simply outgrew it or it outgrew me. Maybe a little of both. I feel like a stranger going to visit a house I used to live in that has been totally redone with a new family living in it.

I never wanted to be normal, or if I did those moments were fleeting at best. I guess I've become kind of a normal guy, and I guess the movement has become kind of normal now too. Funny I don't feel so comfortable with it anymore. I have never for a moment felt anything but complete sadness and confusion over those who claim to be "ex-gays" - why would ANYONE want to give up what for me has always been the greatest of gifts? But I think those of us who have no interest in being an "ex-gay" have still found ourselves in a place where that gift has been discounted and sterilized.

I'm now one of the assimilationists I always bitched about, I guess. I've been with my partner for 19 years, we have a son, we own a house in kind of a suburban part of Seattle. I have far more straight friends than gay and I'm more interested in my dogs than I am in bars.

A few self-described anarchist upstarts apparently did a little bit of street rampaging and window breaking after the Parade up on The Hill (the supposed gay neighborhood in Seattle). It was, according to their pamphlet which I read on line today, an attempt to toss off the commercialism and conformity of the modern gay scene. I got into a few internet spats today over this on sites that I follow. I agree they acted foolishly, but I also was a little pleased to see some of the old spirit out there. I'm less bothered by a few broken windows in a bank and nationwide clothing store than I am a bunch of gay sheep following a truck from Macy's handing out rainbow colored but with the "Macy's" logo bandannas, followed by group after group after group of men and women selling some shit or another.

Still, I like to be with my people. I like to be with my tribe. I don't do it often enough. I don't know WHAT to do when I'm with them, but I like to just be with them sometimes. I wish we had more than THUMP THUMP THUMP music, but I also like a little thump thump thump now and then. I hope some of those kids are learning their history and are taking pride in it. I am so grateful for the ones who came before me who allowed me to have the life I have today. I find our culture, our history, our writers and poets and artists and philosophers and activists to be inspiring and fascinating and amazing.

Today I stayed home from work. I did laundry, went to the grocery store, complained about my sore back and legs, played on the internet and watched some TV.

I have no idea what is next.

Had a big hunk of flesh cut out of my arm on Tuesday. I expected it to be about a tenth of the size of what the Doctor ended up cutting out. Basal Cell Carcinoma might be the best of all cancers to get, but it still wasn't a night on the town. However, I'm getting a really cool scar out of it. Ended up getting about ten actinic keratosis spots frozen off my face and head. Good times. Had to leave that appointment and while the numbing agent was wearing down, went to see my Primary Doctor because of another issue. Up went a scope and out came a scream. Turns out that end didn't have quite as severe of a problem as I feared (I have a history and I get worried). Got a little something to help things calm down and was given the pass to leave after four fun filled hours at the Doctor's. Couldn't wait to get home and settle in with some take-out Chinese food and a bottle of vicodin.

I went back to work today and I'm doing okay without drugs so far. Of course, I soaked up every single bit of attention I could get. Being in the Cancer Biz, my co-workers are well aware that "if you have to get a cancer, this is the one to get" so the attention was pretty light-hearted and sarcastic, just the way I like it. Sitting (issue #2) is not really the most comfortable position right now, but I'm pretty post-vicodin loopy so standing doesn't work out so well either.

In a few days I'll be good as new. I will get, as a special bonus, a pretty amazing scar. It is equal parts Boris Karloff and West Side Story, very fitting.

Lasagna
The Crassical Collection (Crass reissues)
Fellini Movies
Apologies
Homemade Beer/Pretzel Caramel
Thank You Cards
WIRE magazine
Clouds
Neil Patrick Harris
The Fremont Solstice Parade
Sleep
Scott Cole Exercise DVDs
My Fancy New Threads
Film Noir
Talking to Chickens
Walking
Trader Joe's Tamales
Walking Away
A Full Late Spring/Early Summer Garden
Popcorn
Whiskey
The New Yorker
Van Morrison
My Beloved Dogs
"How you doing today texts?" from the neff.
Old Sweatshirts
Rain
People Watching
Voice Lessons
Georgetown Carnival
Art Blogs